an interview with starsapien's personal accountant

We’re pleased to share with the official Starsapien Fan Club (“Fansapiens”) the following interview transcript with Roger Collins. 

Fans will know that Roger has been a Starchampion for years as the group’s longtime personal accountant. Most famously, he’s responsible for forging the relationship between Starsapien and cloud computing firm GigaKnot Geodesic, which would eventually become an investment partner in 

Kent Mastiff of the BBC-X (the adults-only uncensored premium cable arm of the BBC) recently visited Roger’s home in North Caldwell. Here’s an excerpt from their conversation:

KENT MASTIFF: How did you first get involved with the band?

Roger Collins: Well, you see, one day I was sitting in my office when the phone rang. I picked it up. My secretary Jackie said, “Mr. Collins, I have a client calling for you.” So I said “OK, put them through.” And the rest is history, really. 

KM: Do you remember any of the details of that first fateful conversation?

RC: Not really, no. 

KM: Had you heard much of Starsapien’s music at that point?

RC: I don’t listen to much music. 

KM: That’s surprising. Is it difficult then, managing the finances of an internationally renowned musical entity?

RC: Well it’s what they pay me to do. Why should I complain about it?

KM: Hmph. Can you tell us what the most expensive part of recording an album is?

RC: Paying your accountant. [Mr. Collins chuckled for the only time during the interview before composing himself a moment later]. But seriously, I am not cheap. 

KM: You do something… uncharacteristic… for an accountant in that you’re actually present for each of the recording sessions. 

RC: That’s right. 

KM: Now why is that?

RC: One needs to stay informed. 

KM: Informed of what exactly?

RC: The commercial viability of the project. If something sounds… unappealing, and I mean, beyond the naturally unappealing sound of this group, it’s my role to step in and make them see reason. 

KM: Can you give us an example?

RC: There are six more verses of “The South” that you’ll never hear. You’re welcome. 

KM: Now, last November, accusations arose that you misappropriated funds which were raised to record the album—to the tune of 50 thousand dollars. The Warrick Post also claims the money was used to dig a swimming pool in your backyard. Your response?

RC: I’d prefer not to answer without my attorney present. 

KM: What would you say to people who argue that speaking through your attorney makes you look guilty?

RC: Guilty schmilty. 

KM: Is there a swimming pool in your backyard?

RC: No

KM: Can I ask then why you’re wearing swim trunks and you smell of chlorine?

RC: I’d prefer not to answer without my attorney present. 

KM: OK. Let’s bring things back to the music. Critics are calling the new Starsapien record “bold” and “ambitious.”  If you had to sum up the record in two words, what would you say?

RC: Music, technically

KM: Do you and Starsapien get along?

RC: Get a long what?

KM: No—get along. Do you have a rapport with Starsapien?

RC: He has a habit of shaking my hand vigorously before leaving the room, like he’s expecting me to slip a twenty into his palm to buy more beer. It’s a clammy hand. Does that count for rapport?

KM: Let’s move on. What’s your favorite song on the new album?

RC: I’d prefer not to answer without my attorney present. 

This interview was edited for clarity and brevity by the BBC-X editorial staff.